Rick Wagoner, GM CEO, Will Step Down At Obama’s Behest

I can understand the disagreement with the stance of forcing Wagoner out, but not forcing out any Wall Street CEOs. To that sentiment, though, I must say: be patient. Rome wasn’t asked to resign in a day.

Show Obama a little patience here; he’s been in office for about 66 days and has to handle Iraq, Afghanistan, an economic crisis, an escalating drug war, fights with the G-NO-P, Cabinet nominees with tax problems, the Designer Imposters version of him leading the RNC, floods in the midwest. . .I wouldn’t want to be him for anything in the world, and I am definitely willing to show him some patience while he sorts things out.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Assurances and Apologies

It’s a tough time to be me right now.

Personal issues aside, one of my favourite pasttimes, Republican-bashing, has been made irrelevant and moot by the recent behaviour of the GOP itself.  Their rampant flailing and gnashing of teeth in constant battle on multiple fronts (at the media, at Congressional Democrats, at each other, at the American people, and, in the case of Republican governors, their own state legislatures) make it obvious that while the party isn’t dead yet, it has definitely lost its head and we’re just watching it flab about the barnyard now, in a panic and presumably searching for a new head.

How can I make fun of them when they’re like this?  It’d be like picking on drunken kindergartners:  not wholly without amusement, but decidedly unfair.

Same for the Octomom in California who now has fourteen children (do the Spanish call her “Catorce-Mami”?).  That’s just too sad and pitiful to make fun of. . .and exactly who does she think wants to see 8 children pop out of her body?  I’ve already seen clown cars at the circus. . .huh, I guess I found a way to make fun of her after all.

Anyway.  My point, and I do have one, is that things in the news and current events are so funny and self-parodying on their own that there really hasn’t been a need for me to say anything at all.  It’d be like telling a joke about a joke, which isn’t really my kind of thing.

I assure all my reader(s) that I am in fact still alive, though struggling in the face a dearth of personal issues and news reports that read like I wrote them anyway.  When I find the funny, and by which I mean the informative, helpful, rant-worthy serious-but-funny funny, I’ll come back here.  Let’s hope it’s soon.

VS – 3.06.09

The VS 2009 Watchlist

Dear 2008 – go ahead and let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, okay?

Seriously, 2008 was such a fucked-up year that I’m glad to see it gone.  From the endless Democratic primaries to the bumbling, disjointed, and frighteningly-inept campaign of John “Insane In The Brain” McCain to the sad collapsing stumbles of a drunk-on-greed economy, to the pants-wettingly-horrifying possibility that Sarah Palin could have been one weak, cancer-ridden, stuttering heartbeat away from being President, to the continuing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, to the intensely gratifying victory of Barack Obama on the same day as the big-step backwards passage of Proposition 8 in California, and then, just for a few good kicks on the way out, terrorist attacks in India, rising tensions between India and Pakistan (both tied for the title of Most Unstable Nuclear Power – 2008), Israel and Hamas skipping over tension to just blasting at each other, and, last but certainly not least, Blago, 2008 was truly a year filled with downs and downs and downs and up and downs and downs.

2008, fuck you very much and goodnight.

So what’s going on 2009?  Here are 5 stories that I plan on keeping an eye on this year (in no particular order):

1.  Blagomania!

"And these are the people I will kill if you assholes don't leave me the fuck alone." Rod Blagojevich holds a truly unique press conference.

Finally, a scandal we can all get a good laugh from.  It’s just one sleazy, foul-mouthed,  Governor-Gone-Wild, caught on tape trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, all the while , cursing like a drunk sailor on shore leave after losing a fight with a Thai ladyboy.  (Whatever happened to that Obama guy, anyway?  You never see him in the news anymore.)  Nobody’s dead, no lives are in danger, there’s no massive economic breakdown involved (save as possible motivation for Blago’s acts), Blago’s not firing rockets at Jews. . .it’s just good, clean schadenfreude at the expense of the Illinois governor and his equally (and impressively) foul-mouthed wife. . .but on her, the potty mouth is kinda sexy. 23/6 is right:  Blago truly is the scandal that just keeps on giving.

2.  How Bailout Money Is Being Used (or, what you’re letting Blago distract you from)

Arianna Huffington raised a great point in her most recent blog:  why is the media more focussed on the admittedly entertaining antics of Rod Blagojevich while almost a trillion dollars of taxpayer money are being distributed, with little to no transparency as to how it’s being spent, to people who are obviously already bad with money?  According to her, the Treasury’s inspector general admitted that “it’s a mess” and no one knows how to establish proper oversight.  Um, why is this not getting more media attention?  Anybody got any answers?  Anybody?  Hello, media?

3.  Arr My Goodness, It’s Pirates!

Somali pirate or American cross-dressing gangsta rapper MC Jemima with a circa-1990 cellphone? You make the call!

Pirates, while cool in the abstract, are actually not good in reality.  They basically commit massive armed robbery, and the acts of the infamous Somali coast pirates, who went so far as to hijack an oil tanker and hold it for $20 million ransom a few months ago, have drawn the ire of politicians the world over, who are sending navies after these dastardly seagoing bastards.  The UN Security Council even passed a resolution allow the US and other countries to go all-out and intervene by “all means necessary.”  So, the evil pirates will be stopped, right?

Except. . .maybe, just maybe, the pirates are actually the good guys here.

See, according to an article by British newpaper The London Independent’s Johann Hari, the pirates began their swashbuckling ways in response to, well, Western skulduggery.  After the collapse of the Somali government in 1991, European ships allegedly began appearing off of the now-unprotected Somali coasts, dumping barrels into the ocean.  People began getting sick and unhealthy.  In 2005’s tsunami, hundreds of of these barrels, damaged and leaking, turned up on the Somali coast.  People got sicker;  hundreds died.  It seems the barrels contained nuclear and medical material, much of which was tracked back to European hospitals and factories.

Elsewhere on the Somali coast,  European fishing boats have been raiding the hell out of the unprotected waters, taking so much that the Somali people, for whom fish is a major dietary staple, are losing both their livelihood in the fishing industry and their major food source.

Enter the pirates, who originally got together in speedboats, to defend the Somali coast against these dumpers and fish-thieves with the one thing that Africa has no shortage of:  guns.  They’re not all altruistic, but the core of their piracy is the defense of their homeland. . .which just happens to lay along a major international trade route.

So now, these defenders against Western exploitation are being labeled in the media as gangsters, criminals, and warlords, with the CIA chief even alleging that the pirates may be loosely connected to Al Qaeda – the American politician’s favourite spectre of fear.  (There is no evidence of a connection, by the way.)  That sounds familiar, that whole “invoking Al Qaeda’s name to generate some enthusiasm for attacking others thing”. . .where have I heard that before?

They’re not all altruistic, to be certain.  There is money to be made in piracy, to be sure, and Somalia is a dirt-poor country.  But before we go blasting them out of the ocean, maybe we should do something about the circumstances – i.e., illegal waste dumping and over-fishing in unprotected waters – that created them.

4.  The Palin Family Follies

Sarah Palin, looking deceptively intelligent

You know, after losing the presidential election in what was an electoral college landslide, the smart thing to do, I think, would be to sit down, shut up, and focus on being a good governor so as to sweeten the resume for another run at the big dance in four years.

Thatwould be the smart thing to do.  Here’s what Sarah Palin did.

She’s given more interviews since the election than she did before, and she just doesn’t seem to have learned much at all:  she’s blasted Katie Couric and Tina Fey for “exploiting” her for their own gain, she’s given a peppy interview while turkeys are being slaughtered right behind her, and brought a creepy girl-crush out of Greta van Susteren.  She also put out a pro-Bristol’s-baby/anti-teenage pregnancy press release (yes, that is contradictory) and accused the press of giving Caroline Kennedy a free pass, compared to how they treated Palin, due to a “class bias.” (She also rants against bloggers, John McCain, and those who called Levi Johnston a dropout in the same interview. . .it’s comedy gold.)  Oh, Sarah, you are every bit as entertaining as Blago, yet much easier to look at. . .though I do believe his hair is more lustrous and silkier than yours.

And the rest of the Palin clan?

Levi Johnston quit the job he somehow got despite being completely unqualified for it (it requires a high school degree), Bristol had her baby (finally), Levi’s mom got busted for dealing Oxycontin, and Piper practiced her hunting and field-stripping skills on six hobos.  Okay, I totally made that last one up, but tell me it would really surprise you if it was true.

The Palins may (hopefully) never get to be America’s First Family, but they will perhaps always be America’s Trainwreck Family With A Comedically Unintelligent Matriarch.  Why are they not a reality show yet?

5.  Barack Obama

"Heh, heh. I totally own you all."

11 days until he becomes President. . .Good luck, Barack Obama.  You’re gonna need it.

And that’s it for my watchlist for this year. . .it’s gonna be an interesting ride.

VS – 01.09.09

Campbell’s Soup And Meltdown Stew

If, like me, you’re a bit worried about the impending meltdown of the American financial system, worry no more:  someone has a solution!

Unfortunately, it’s Sweden.

The Swedish faced a similar economic crisis in 1992, and dealt with it in a way that returned the grand majority of cash to the taxpayers and tightened up their banking industry.  By draining funds from shareholders first, forcing banks to write down losses, taking ownership of banks, returning the profits of distressed asset sales to the taxpayers, and eventually selling their shares in the banks, the Swedish government turned their economy around at very little cost to the taxpayer.

I say it’s unfortunate that Sweden has that solution in its history not because I have anything against the Swedish.  How could I have anything against the homeland of the Swedish Bikini Team?  It’s unfortunate because we in this country (America) have an administration in office that lacks the smarts to learn from its own mistakes, let alone the wisdom to learn from those of others.

Please, Sweden, send your ambassadors into the White House.  Let them explain to George Dubya and Barack “BS – for Black Superman” Obama and John “BS – for exactly what you think it stands for” McCain how your country saved itself from a financial meltdown.  Maybe they’ll listen, and whichever one shows the wisdom to learn from your mistakes (hint: it won’t be the white guys) is the one that needs to lead this country.

In other news. . .

I am gaining more and more respect for CNN’s Campbell Brown as this campaign goes on.  She’s been ranting like, well, any sane person would in this election season, and I gotta admit, I like it.  Let’s talk a walk through her best recent rants:

Here’s Campbell Brown railing against the GOP campaign’s effort to keep Sarah Palin away from the media:

And here she goes after Bush and Paulson:

And let’s not forget how she made McCain spokesperson Tucker Bounds look even more ridiculous than his name does:

Ah, Campbell Brown.  The hearty soup of your rants is a welcome break from the watery gruel of other cable news correspondents.  Keep speaking out and speaking up; you speak for and to a segment of the population that desperately needs to be heard in the media.

VS – 09.25.08

Breaking News (While I Was Sleeping, Interruption)

The GOP is trying to block people from voting in Michigan, with a legally questionable and morally reprehensible tactic.

Read the whole story here.

I’m with Arianna Huffington here. . .Obama needs to get outraged, and he needs to do it yesterday.  I already like his calm, reasonable attitude. . .now we need to see some fire!

VS – 09.10.08

An Open Letter From God To Humanity

Dear Pains In My Holy Ass,

What? You were expecting “Dear Precious Flock” or “Dear Beloved Children,” or something similar? Bugger that! You tail-less howler monkeys don’t deserve titles that good anymore.

I gave you people dominion over the earth and beasts in order to be caretakers, not to start acting the prick about it. Plus, I wanted to take a vacation. All that creating makes a God mighty tired. And now you’re busy destroying my planet, the one I made and entrusted to you, and arguing about whether or not you’re doing it when it’s plainly obvious that you are. Are you stupid? I sure as fuck didn’t make you to be stupid, so how did you end up stupid? You must have chosen to be stupid, and that really makes Me regret the whole “free will” thing.

I’m sorry if I seem a bit tense. It’s just, that, well, I seem to remember asking that you don’t kill each other, and look at you! You can’t kill each other fast enough! I said it in the Bible, I said it in the Koran, I said it in the Torah, I did everything but tattoo it on the insides of your eyelids: Thou shalt not kill. And you’re still killing each other! And have the Me-damn audacity to say you’re doing it in My name! My name! When I specifically and repeatedly said, “Hey, that whole ‘killing each other’ thing? Don’t fucking do it!” Man, it just pisses Me off. Let me say it again: Quit killing each other. More specifically, quit blaming Me for it when you do. I said not to, so if you go kill somebody that’s done nothing to you and isn’t actively threatening your existence, don’t even think about saying I told you to do it. It takes about ten seconds to do some research and find out that I actually told you the complete opposite. Let me say it one more time for clarification: Stop killing each other. Don’t make me get involved in the killing stuff. I can wipe out millions of you just by sticking My hand in the ocean, so if you want to see that happen, keep fucking up.

Speaking of unnecessary usage of my name, let me tell you this: I don’t care about sports. Not at all. Not in the slightest. So all those prayers doing sporting events not only waste My time, they also tie up the lines so that I can’t hear the prayers of people that are starving, sick, and/or dying. Thanks for being so bloody selfish that you think a victory for some purely-manmade sports team is even remotely as important to Me as tending to the people that have real faith in me and do not collectively comprise a shower of arseholes.

By the way, I also don’t care if two guys or two women want to get married. I know there’s stuff in the Bible against it, but, you know, those guys that wrote the Bible inserted their own prejudices and fears into My message, which really pissed Me off. Not a one of them made it to Heaven; instead, they get to burn eternally (or until I run out of propane and propane accessories) for the crime of diluting, changing, and in some cases outright lying about the messages I sent to humanity. Let me make this clearer: I don’t care if homosexuals marry. You shouldn’t either. It doesn’t affect your marriage, relationship, or children at all if two guys have rings on their fingers that symbolize their bond to each other. Once again, you willful morons are using My name to give your own ridiculous fears and phobias and hatreds some semblance of credibility, instead of showing your own insecurities for what they really are. I preached and dictated tolerance for others, even if they didn’t believe in me. I said it, Jesus said it (He’s doing fine, by the way, but He’s just as pissed as I am and doesn’t want to come back to see you people), Gandhi said it, Martin Luther King Jr. said it, Buddha said it, Confucious said it. . .what the fuck else do you need to understand this? It’s a simple concept! Be tolerant of others and treat them as you would be treated! It’s as simple as Thou shalt not kill. . .oh wait, you fucked that one up too.

A surprising number of you have asked me about Jerry Falwell and other big-name televangelists that have passed away. Let Me assure you that they are doing fine. By “doing fine,” I mean “burning in lakes of fire while being tortured, degraded, beaten, and violated by demons with bad tempers and sharp pitchforks.” There are many paths to Me, and none of them are wrong. . .unless, of course, you take the one that involves using My name to spread your own message of intolerance, hatred, and bigotry.

And people, don’t be afraid to think for yourselves. I gave you brains for a reason. Had I know you were going to use so little of them, I could have put in a chocolate storage space or a laser-light show or something cool.

I’m done. I’m tired of you people.

Your Almighty,

God/Goddess/The Universe/Nirvana/The Flying Spaghetti Monster

P.S. For all of you who keep wondering why I never seem to answer your prayers, I ask you to remember that “no” is, in fact, an answer.

Skeevymon

Let me start off by saying that I have nothing against Pokemon. My daughter loves the games, and I will admit, I’ve gotten into them pretty deeply myself. I think the game has a great mechanics system, and the Pokemon: Pearl video game (which my daughter got me for Christmas; she got Pokemon: Diamond for her birthday) is surprisingly deep, addictive, and so full of unnecessary-but-fun stuff to do that it could have been a Final Fantasy game. And of course, it doesn’t hurt that all the little Pokemon creatures are cuter than ladybug poop.

Except this one.

That one is, by name, a Croagunk. Its signature move is something called a Poison Jab, in which I assume it jabs a needle full of poison into its opponent. And by looking at it, I would not be surprised at all that it has spare needles sitting around.

Look at it. All the other Pokemon are cute, either in a “furry-or-scaly-animal-with-extra-or-missing-appendages” way or a “disgusting-funny-cute” way. This one, this Croagunk, just looks skeevy. No, I don’t know exactly what “skeevy” means, but it fits this guy. All the other Pokemon look like they should be plush animals or beanie babies. Croagunk looks like it should be hanging out on a street corner chanting”rock, smoke, gold chains, rock, smoke, gold chains” in a raspy voice with a bad south-of-the-border accent. It looks like it should be hassled by the police for hanging around elementary school playgrounds just a little too long, with a camera, pockets full of candy, and a windowless van parked nearby. And what’s with the red middle fingers? Is that to help it remember which finger to use to flip the bird at people passing its ‘93 Corolla (complete with trunk-and cracked-window-rattling bass, glasspack muffler and liberal usage of Bondo) on the interstate? Which they do easily because it’s got a dodgy third gear and a continual smell of burning plastic? (What’s Croagunk doing driving on the interstate anyway? Drug muling in its spare time? We know it ain’t going to work.) Or is that the finger it uses for deep-goosing “classy broads” (which sounds like something that this thing looks like it would say) when they pass the streetlamp it hangs out under with its other skeevy, unemployed, ex-convict welfare-cheating friends? Speaking of, it looks like it’s still wearing a prison shirt. . .and WHERE THE FUCK ARE ITS PANTS?

Please, Nintendo, don’t put this misplaced rap-video thug in any more Pokemon games. Give it a bottle of Thunderbird, a pack of menthols, and kick it out of a moving car into the seedy part of town (in Seattle, the seedy part would be Tacoma), where it belongs.

The Punisher would have shot this thing on sight, no questions asked.

VS – 2.26.08

Repost: Black History Month

Yes, this is a repost of an old column from my old website.  You didn’t read it there either, so no complaining.

*********************************************************

In honour of Black History Month, I’ve been keeping slaves.  They are, actually, quite racially diverse.  I didn’t pick them up based on race; I picked them up based more on who I could snatch off of the streets at 4 AM with the least effort.  I think I’ve cured a couple of them of drug addiction, and gotten a couple more addicted to beatings.  By the way, minorities are far better at housework than caucasians, but a caucasian can wash your car like nobody’s business.  Don’t worry; I’ll set them free at the end of the month.*

Most kidding aside, Black History Month, is, in my opinion, a wonderful chance for Americans of of cultures to study the many important contributions that African-Americans have made to the melting pot that is this country.  African-Americans like Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman, Miles Davis, Fran Metzger, Martin Luther King Junior,  Malcolm X, George Washington Carver, Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Bill Cosby, Richard Pryor, Will Smith, Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson before “Thriller”, Richard Roundtree, Marian Anderson, Colin Powell, and Dave Matthews (he was born in Johannesburg, South Africa) have all made their mark on American society and they deserve the month of February, the shortest month of the bloody year, to honour them.

Remember when I said “Most kidding aside”?  Here’s the rest of it.

First of all, I don’t believe in Black History Month.  Or Black Entertainment Television.  This disbelief comes from one idea and one idea only:  I don’t believe in anything that elevates one race over any others.  Where’s Asian History Month? Where’s Hispanic History Month?  Hell, where’s White History Month?  Our schools usually focus on European History until America comes into its own.  Having only been in one American public school system as a student, I can’t say whether African-American contributions to American History are adequately represented in our nation’s schools or not.  I had a good American History instructor who covered all the bases as much as possible, so I think I made out okay.  I can say that I would be more in support of an integration of black history into American history courses, as opposed to setting aside a separate month.  But while we’re at it, I want Asian, Native American, and Hispanic histories integrated as well.

Since it is Black History Month, let’s take a look at the state of African-Americans. . .hang about.  I’m going to start saying “black people” from here on out.  “African-American” is too much to type over and over again, and I seriously doubt that more than 10% of black people in this country have ever even been to Africa, let alone having actually been born there, and judging from SAT scores, I doubt that over 40% of black youth can even tell me where Africa is without using a bloody map.  To recap:  Dave Matthews:  African-American.  Any African-American not born in Africa:  black.  Now back to what I was saying.

Since it is Black History Month, let’s take a look at the state of black people in America today:  Michigan.  Seriously, or as serious as I ever get, the state isn’t a good one.  It’s Texas.  Again, I’m kidding.  Texas is Hispanic.

There are more affluent black people than, I think, ever before in the US.  However, once you take out the rap industry and professional sports, that figure goes down a lot.  There are also more educational opportunities available to black students than ever before. . .if they’d stay in school and make an actual effort to learn and better their situations.  There are more jobs available. . .if they don’t test for marijuana use.  More black men are in college than ever before. . .those that survived being ridiculed and occasionally shot by their hardcore gangsta friends in the hood.  Black people are living longer than before. . .if they don’t get shot by other black people over drugs, alcohol, women, whatever.  Black people now are more free to make of themselves whatever they want to be. . .if it wasn’t for the stereotype forced upon them by BET, the black music industry, their parents, the majority of “black” movies, their surroundings, and the friends that tell them that if they actually seem to be educated, well-spoken, and studious, then they’re trying to be white and they’re not keeping it real.  I’ve seen this happen again and again and again, and seen some really good students go downhill because of it, so excuse my bitterness.  Or not.

If I haven’t made it clear by this point, it is my whole-hearted opinion that the only thing keeping black people down is black people.  It’s not the government, it’s not the white man, it’s black people.  And until black people as a whole realize that, the work of all those black mentioned above, with the exception of Dave Matthews, will have been for nothing.

*: By the way, Mississippi had no law on the books abolishing slavery until 1995.  That year, Michael Moore, host of the show “TV Nation,” filmed a segment in which he gave a black man in Jackson, Mississippi four white slaves (they were actors, but you get the point).  He took these slaves around the city for a few weeks, going on tours of the capitol, asking if they had facilities that his slaves could use, and forcing them to sit on the sidewalk outside while he went into any businesses that didn’t allow pets.  The law was off the books before the show aired.

Solitary Traveller – 2/19/02

P.S.  I forgot to release my slaves after writing this.  They eventually won their freedom in very embarassing game of drunken twister.  I miss them.

Valentine’s Day

For all you happy couples that will be spending the evening in joyous and loving celebration of a completely corporate-manufactured holiday. . .

Burn in hell.

Tonight’s gonna be me, Jimmy Buffett, and a little Southern Comfort, and that’s fine by me.

Dammit.

My Unique Perspective

I have often been told that I have a unique perspective on life. Actually, the phrasing used, in every instance, was ” a fucked-up perspective,” but why argue semantics? So, in my infinite wisdom and arrogance, not to mention having far too much free time on my hands, I decided to share my “unique perspective” with people in the form of a column. But first, a bit about me.

In my time, I have been friend and comrade to more murderers, drug dealers, pimps, strippers,prostitutes, junkies, addicts, thieves, thugs, whores, and Southern Baptists than any sane person should have to deal with. Luckily, I spend quite a bit of my time not being sane, so this bothers me not at all.  Fribblemensch bananas! I am, however, ashamed to admit that I do also know some lawyers and politicians. I’m sorry about that.

For all the “bad” people I’ve known, I’ve known a lot of “good” people too, and in most cases they were the same people. I don’t believe in absolute good or bad. I think all people and all things are a combination of the two, in differing amounts. No one is completely evil or worthless; everyone has some redeeming quality. Except. . .well, I’m not mentioning names here. But there are a few whose only redeeming quality is that they will one day stop breathing.

I believe that everyone, yes, everyone, in the world is beautiful. All of you. Some, however, are beautiful in ways that I, for one reason or another, cannot appreciate. This, also, does not bother me. I’m not the type to instantly hate anyone whose looks are not appealing to me, as long as they don’t have a penis. Beauty is much much much more than mere looks, and anyone that needs to be told this either hasn’t lived long enough or has lived far too long already.

I am not a member of any organized religion and I’m pretty happy about it. This is by choice; I have never been excommunicated or exiled from any church. Unwanted, perhaps, but never officially booted.

I don’t do any illegal drugs, and this is also by choice. I have done illegal drugs in the past, but ultimately, nothing worked better for me than good old booze and nicotine. I’m an old-school Southern gentleman; John Daniels and James Beam are good friends of mine. I like nothing better than sitting on the porch (on the east and west coasts, it’s called a “patio” and is a hell of a lot more expensive) with a bottle of JD and a pack of Sampoerna X-tras, listening to Jimmy Buffett and watching the sun go down, the moon rise, the sun rise again. I’d like to have a woman there with me, you know, but it isn’t necessary. Besides, at this point, I don’t even have a porch.

I eat meat like it was an order from God and I am not ashamed of it. Due to the influence of vegan and vegetarian friends, I do occasionally give some thought to a poor cow, standing out in a pasture peacefully, all demure and content and succulent. Then some guys from Chicago come knock the living hell out of the cow, and a few weeks later, some pimply kid at McDonald’s who probably has less common sense than the cow did gives it to me, along with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame-seed bun. I eat meat because I love animals that taste good. I love plants even more, since they do provide oxygen, so I try not to eat them as much.

I’m not politically correct. Not in the slightest. I’m not prejudiced; I hate every race, creed, colour, and nationality on earth equally. I try to make equal fun of them, but it’s hard to work something about certain mentally-deficient tribes from New Guineau into every conversation. Still, I try.

I’m not easily offended, and if you plan on reading any more of these columns, it’s a good idea to be thick-skinned yourself. If something that you read here angers you, and you would like to rant about it, go to Hell. This is my place to rant. You want to rant, write your own damn column. If, however, you would like to calmly and rationally discuss the issue which offended you, please email me. I like articulate, logical, analytical people. Note: “YOU SUCK” is not an articulate logical comment, unless you’ve been talking to your girlfriend and she ‘fessed up. . .in which case, I do suck. But only her.

Do I truly believe in everything I say and write? No. There’s a little literary device called a “persona,” and it’s used when a writer chooses to show another perspective than their own. What of it, if any, do I really believe? That’s irrelevant to anyone who doesn’t know me personally. I just present the views, and defend them when I want to.

So, get in, sit down, shut up, and hang on. . .time for a wild ride across my mind.

And yes, all your base really are belong to us.

Solitary Traveler – 4/23/01**************************************

That was my first entry when I started doing these columns, back in April of 2001. Now i’m moving them and changing the name from Solitary Traveler to Vagabond Saint. Plus, Sampoerna X-Tras are no longer imported into the US (and RJ Reynolds will pay for that, oh yes, they will) , so now I smoke Gudang Garam (I have to keep supporting Indonesia somehow).

My first few columns here will be reprints from the old stuff. Since I date everything I write, you, Dear Reader, should notice when I switch to new stuff. Or I may just start all over again and scrap the old stuff. Or intersperse it with new stuff. I haven’t decided yet. I haven’t even woken up yet today; I’m writing this in my sleep.

Vagabond Saint – 2.11.2008