I have often been told that I have a unique perspective on life. Actually, the phrasing used, in every instance, was ” a fucked-up perspective,” but why argue semantics? So, in my infinite wisdom and arrogance, not to mention having far too much free time on my hands, I decided to share my “unique perspective” with people in the form of a column. But first, a bit about me.
In my time, I have been friend and comrade to more murderers, drug dealers, pimps, strippers,prostitutes, junkies, addicts, thieves, thugs, whores, and Southern Baptists than any sane person should have to deal with. Luckily, I spend quite a bit of my time not being sane, so this bothers me not at all. Fribblemensch bananas! I am, however, ashamed to admit that I do also know some lawyers and politicians. I’m sorry about that.
For all the “bad” people I’ve known, I’ve known a lot of “good” people too, and in most cases they were the same people. I don’t believe in absolute good or bad. I think all people and all things are a combination of the two, in differing amounts. No one is completely evil or worthless; everyone has some redeeming quality. Except. . .well, I’m not mentioning names here. But there are a few whose only redeeming quality is that they will one day stop breathing.
I believe that everyone, yes, everyone, in the world is beautiful. All of you. Some, however, are beautiful in ways that I, for one reason or another, cannot appreciate. This, also, does not bother me. I’m not the type to instantly hate anyone whose looks are not appealing to me, as long as they don’t have a penis. Beauty is much much much more than mere looks, and anyone that needs to be told this either hasn’t lived long enough or has lived far too long already.
I am not a member of any organized religion and I’m pretty happy about it. This is by choice; I have never been excommunicated or exiled from any church. Unwanted, perhaps, but never officially booted.
I don’t do any illegal drugs, and this is also by choice. I have done illegal drugs in the past, but ultimately, nothing worked better for me than good old booze and nicotine. I’m an old-school Southern gentleman; John Daniels and James Beam are good friends of mine. I like nothing better than sitting on the porch (on the east and west coasts, it’s called a “patio” and is a hell of a lot more expensive) with a bottle of JD and a pack of Sampoerna X-tras, listening to Jimmy Buffett and watching the sun go down, the moon rise, the sun rise again. I’d like to have a woman there with me, you know, but it isn’t necessary. Besides, at this point, I don’t even have a porch.
I eat meat like it was an order from God and I am not ashamed of it. Due to the influence of vegan and vegetarian friends, I do occasionally give some thought to a poor cow, standing out in a pasture peacefully, all demure and content and succulent. Then some guys from Chicago come knock the living hell out of the cow, and a few weeks later, some pimply kid at McDonald’s who probably has less common sense than the cow did gives it to me, along with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame-seed bun. I eat meat because I love animals that taste good. I love plants even more, since they do provide oxygen, so I try not to eat them as much.
I’m not politically correct. Not in the slightest. I’m not prejudiced; I hate every race, creed, colour, and nationality on earth equally. I try to make equal fun of them, but it’s hard to work something about certain mentally-deficient tribes from New Guineau into every conversation. Still, I try.
I’m not easily offended, and if you plan on reading any more of these columns, it’s a good idea to be thick-skinned yourself. If something that you read here angers you, and you would like to rant about it, go to Hell. This is my place to rant. You want to rant, write your own damn column. If, however, you would like to calmly and rationally discuss the issue which offended you, please email me. I like articulate, logical, analytical people. Note: “YOU SUCK” is not an articulate logical comment, unless you’ve been talking to your girlfriend and she ‘fessed up. . .in which case, I do suck. But only her.
Do I truly believe in everything I say and write? No. There’s a little literary device called a “persona,” and it’s used when a writer chooses to show another perspective than their own. What of it, if any, do I really believe? That’s irrelevant to anyone who doesn’t know me personally. I just present the views, and defend them when I want to.
So, get in, sit down, shut up, and hang on. . .time for a wild ride across my mind.
And yes, all your base really are belong to us.
Solitary Traveler – 4/23/01**************************************
That was my first entry when I started doing these columns, back in April of 2001. Now i’m moving them and changing the name from Solitary Traveler to Vagabond Saint. Plus, Sampoerna X-Tras are no longer imported into the US (and RJ Reynolds will pay for that, oh yes, they will) , so now I smoke Gudang Garam (I have to keep supporting Indonesia somehow).
My first few columns here will be reprints from the old stuff. Since I date everything I write, you, Dear Reader, should notice when I switch to new stuff. Or I may just start all over again and scrap the old stuff. Or intersperse it with new stuff. I haven’t decided yet. I haven’t even woken up yet today; I’m writing this in my sleep.
Vagabond Saint – 2.11.2008