Let me start off by saying that I have nothing against Pokemon. My daughter loves the games, and I will admit, I’ve gotten into them pretty deeply myself. I think the game has a great mechanics system, and the Pokemon: Pearl video game (which my daughter got me for Christmas; she got Pokemon: Diamond for her birthday) is surprisingly deep, addictive, and so full of unnecessary-but-fun stuff to do that it could have been a Final Fantasy game. And of course, it doesn’t hurt that all the little Pokemon creatures are cuter than ladybug poop.

Except this one.

That one is, by name, a Croagunk. Its signature move is something called a Poison Jab, in which I assume it jabs a needle full of poison into its opponent. And by looking at it, I would not be surprised at all that it has spare needles sitting around.

Look at it. All the other Pokemon are cute, either in a “furry-or-scaly-animal-with-extra-or-missing-appendages” way or a “disgusting-funny-cute” way. This one, this Croagunk, just looks skeevy. No, I don’t know exactly what “skeevy” means, but it fits this guy. All the other Pokemon look like they should be plush animals or beanie babies. Croagunk looks like it should be hanging out on a street corner chanting”rock, smoke, gold chains, rock, smoke, gold chains” in a raspy voice with a bad south-of-the-border accent. It looks like it should be hassled by the police for hanging around elementary school playgrounds just a little too long, with a camera, pockets full of candy, and a windowless van parked nearby. And what’s with the red middle fingers? Is that to help it remember which finger to use to flip the bird at people passing its ’93 Corolla (complete with trunk-and cracked-window-rattling bass, glasspack muffler and liberal usage of Bondo) on the interstate? Which they do easily because it’s got a dodgy third gear and a continual smell of burning plastic? (What’s Croagunk doing driving on the interstate anyway? Drug muling in its spare time? We know it ain’t going to work.) Or is that the finger it uses for deep-goosing “classy broads” (which sounds like something that this thing looks like it would say) when they pass the streetlamp it hangs out under with its other skeevy, unemployed, ex-convict welfare-cheating friends? Speaking of, it looks like it’s still wearing a prison shirt. . .and WHERE THE FUCK ARE ITS PANTS?

Please, Nintendo, don’t put this misplaced rap-video thug in any more Pokemon games. Give it a bottle of Thunderbird, a pack of menthols, and kick it out of a moving car into the seedy part of town (in Seattle, the seedy part would be Tacoma), where it belongs.

The Punisher would have shot this thing on sight, no questions asked.

VS – 2.26.08


2 Responses to “Skeevymon”

  1. sweethoneylife Says:

    I can’t see it! To me, he looks dopey, not skeevy. Something about his shape reminds me of a turkey carcass with the head cut off. That head is definitely breast meat. Ick.

  2. *heh….nice.

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