I Can’t Make This Stuff Up*

I’m reprinting this article in its entirety, because, well, it’s just too awesome not to.

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Snickers Bars To Gays: “Take It Like A Man”

LONDON (AP) – Responding to complaints that its latest television ad campaign for Snickers bars is insulting to homosexuals, Mars Inc. public relations spokesman David Andros said today that homosexuals should just “take it like a man.”

In a press conference held to respond to charges of gay stereotyping and insulting gays, Andros said that gays “need to suck it up and get over themselves.”

“There isn’t anything in this ad campaign that directly insults gays or even makes stereotypical accusations about queers. If anything, our willingness to poke harmless fun at them seems to me to be a sign that they are making swift progress in gaining mainstream acceptance, which you’d think they’d be over the moon about. Harmless fun like this is a part of a fringe element becoming accepted by the world at large, and while it might be a bitter pill, I think they need to swallow it – all of it, like a good boy – and take it like a man.”

Gay-rights activist Clayton “Man-Toy” Hollingsworth, of the Association for Sexplorative Selves, disagreed.

“Mars Inc. needs to take these commercials off of the airwaves. The suggestions that we gays, as a community, just suck it up, swallow it down, bend over and take it like men is in itself offensive,” the ardently homosexual Hollingsworth said, taking a brief break from preferring the company of men to women in order to be interviewed. “This press conference only showed how homophobic that company really is, and I think that when we bring our swollen pressure against them, their taut little buttocks will tremble in fear of us. Our market penetration is deeper than they could imagine, and through boycotts and protests, we’ll give them what they’re so obviously asking for, good and hard.”

“Really, really hard,” Hollingsworth added.

The ad that sparked the hot, sweaty firestorm remains on the air in the UK. It depicts a man writhing and groaning with a swiftly-advancing clock in the background, implying that many hours are passing, before the camera pans back to show that the man is being sodomized, apparently consensually, by a giant anthropomorphic Snickers bar. The commercial then cuts to a picture of a Snickers bar, with a voiceover that says “Snickers: The pleasure lasts a long, long time,” before returning to show the giant anthropomorphic Snickers bar laying on the bed, the man’s head descending between his legs, as the bar asks, “So, how do you like my nuts?”

While another commercial featuring 80s icon Mr. T firing a cannon at a speedwalker, calling him “a disgrace to the man race,” also initially drew some ire from gay-rights groups, they have since recanted their initial protests. Said Hollingsworth, “Speedwalking? Really? How gay is that?”

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* – Yes, I can, and yes, I totally did make up the entire article. Except for the Mr. T part.

No AP reporters were harmed in the making of this blog.

VS – 7.30.08

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