Abstinence-Only Edumacation (While I Was Sleeping, Interlude)

It’s been a long time since I was in school, and when I was, they didn’t dare teach us abstinence-only education; they were trying to prevent pregnancies, after all.  But I would imagine that a non-explicit abstinence education class would go something like this:

Abstinence-Education Teacher And “Cool Christian Dude”:  Good morning, class.  What’s up? (note use of hip lingo to better connect with the kids) We’re going to talk about abstinence today.  Abstinence means not having sex.  Any questions?  Yes, you.

Random Student: What’s sex?

AET: Well, sex is when a man and a woman meet up, and they really like each other, they fall in love, and lay with each other with the intent of producing a child.  But you shouldn’t do that until you’re married.  Yes?

Different Random Student: What do you mean, “lay with each other”?

AET: By that, I mean they lay down together, like, they get naked, the man lays on top of the woman, or they lay side-by-side, or, if you swing that way, the woman lays on top of the man, and stuff happens, and she gets pregnant.

DRS: What do you mean, “stuff happens”?

AET:  You don’t have to worry about what happens, because you’re not going to be doing it until you’re in a loving, secure, stable marriage anyway, am I right?

(Students murmur uncertainly.)

AET:  Right?

(Crickets chirp, somehow employing a very mocking tone.)

AET:  Yes?  You have a question?

DRS: Can you at least tell us what to expect to happen when we “lay with” our spouses, so we’ll be prepared for when we get married and we’re not just bumbling around like blind, drunken carpenters on our wedding nights, trying to figure out what goes where? (Author’s note:  there is nothing in the world funnier than watching two naive, ignorant people trying to figure out sex on their wedding night.)

AET:  Well, no, I can’t, but I can tell you that it’ll feel good and you’ll enjoy it, and that it would be wrong to do it outside of the bounds of holy matrimony, as Our Heavenly Father intended it to be done, so that we may go forth and multiply and produce many servants for Him.  Yes?  What’s your question?

DRS:  My ovaries were damaged by rubber bullets fired by troops breaking up a protest march.  (Author’s note:  this actually happened to someone I used to know.) The doctor told me I can’t have children.  Does that mean I can’t ever have God-sanctioned sex, since I can’t, you know, “multiply”?

AET: Ummmmmmmmm. . .ummmm. . .you know what, just get married and do the best you can.

DRS:  Hey!  How come she gets a free pass on having to have kids?  I want one too!  Where were those troops stationed?

AET: Umm, yeah, to sum up, you’re going to face a lot of temptation from friends and homies (note the return of hip lingo) to have sex before you’re married.  But you have to resist that, because premarital sex is a sin in the eyes of God, and 5 minutes of pleasure is not worth an eternity in the fires of Hell, right?

DRS:  5 minutes?  What kind of bullshit sex you been havin’?

AET:  Hey, we’re not talking about me here, and there’s no need for that kind of language.  Besides, I’m married.  God and I are depending on you guys and gals to keep yourselves pure, clean, and wholesome for your future spouses.

Class: . . .

AET:  So, resist sex!  Keep your clothes on!  “Just say no” to premarital sex!  It’s the cool thing to do in the eyes of God and your local church!

Class: . . .

AET: Oh, and if you touch yourself somewhere on your body and it feels really good, STOP DOING IT.  You’re abusing yourself and committing another sin, right there.

Class: . . .

AET:  Any questions?

DRS:  So, let me get this straight:  instead of teaching us about sexual diseases and how to protect ourselves from them and accidental pregnancies, you’re just going to tell us not to have sex, without even telling us what sex is or giving us any idea of how to properly use a condom or anything that might actually be useful information in the real world we live in, as opposed to the La-La Land you apparently came from?

AET: Fo’ shizzle!

Class: . . .

DRS:  Are you fucking kidding me with this?

VS – 09.10.08

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5 Responses to “Abstinence-Only Edumacation (While I Was Sleeping, Interlude)”

  1. ROFL… I completely missed four minutes of chat while working because I read this. Very well said… made me laugh. I wish it weren’t true.

    ~KdB

  2. solitary vegan Says:

    Ignorance might be bliss to some, but not to a pregnant 14-year old with herpes.

  3. I live in a school district that teaches abstinence-only education. We have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country and we cost the taxpayers about a billion dollars a year. I won’t even mention the new grading regulations that will basically allow you to fail even the “sex education classes.”

  4. vagabondsaint Says:

    Okay, CG, I have to ask you for some data on the regs and the cost to taxpayers of the pregnancies. . or a link, if you or someone else has already written about it elsewhere, I’d be interested in seeing that.

    VS

  5. Tried to leave a comment to reply and got a page saying “discarded.” Forwarded by IM.

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