(with apologies to David Mamet)
WASHINGTON, DC – (AP)
Speaking today before a group of GOP Senators and Representatives, President Barack Obama gave his most stinging rebuke of their opposition to his stimulus bill.
The remarks left many Republicans feeling ashamed and remorseful.
“I quit,” said newly-elected RNC Chairman Michael Steele. “Obama made me realize today that, after my struggles to succeed as a young black man in this country, all I did was join the party that fought hardest to oppress me.”
“What have I done? May MLK forgive me,” Steele added, collapsing in tears and singing “We Shall Overcome In Spite Of All I’ve Done To Set My Race Back 50 Years”.
Several other prominent Republicans were unable to comment, having curled into the fetal position on the floor and able only to sob quietly to themselves. Others quite fairly labeled themselves as “enemies of America” and demanded they be shipped immediately to Guantanamo Bay.
“Khalid al-Sheik O’Whatever we’ve got down there. . .I’ve done way more to harm this country than he ever could,” said a visibly shaken John Boehner, as Secret Service agents led him away in leg-irons, at his own request. “Lock me away, please, I’m a monster.”
Other Republicans, like John McCain (R-AZ) and Mitch McConnell (R-KY) simply died of shame on the spot. They will not be missed.
A full transcript of the President’s remarks is below.
Thank you, thank you. I’ll keep my remarks brief; we all have a lot of work to do.
As you all know, you have all been very fiercely opposed to my stimulus package, unless numerous concessions are made to get the package more in line with traditional Republican values, such as tax cuts, more defense spending, and no money allocated for education, infrastructure repair, or family planning for the poor.
I am her today to tell you this: piss off. I’m not changing the stimulus package. If the American people wanted to keep doing things the same way that got us into this mess in the first place, Ted Stevens and Norm Coleman would still be here, I’d still be in the Senate, and you’d be talking to President McCain today.
You’re not. You’re talking to me, and I say sod your fucking tax cuts. They don’t work, they never have worked, and they never will. You’re a one-trick pony party, and we’re all bored of it. So go ahead and filibuster the stimulus package in the Senate. You think we can’t wait you out? Most of you are old and will run out of breath fairly quickly, so no worries there. For the rest of you, well, we’ll bring in some hookers, and that’s at least David Vitter out of the way right there. We got ways to handle y’all, is what I’m saying. You lost the election. The American people don’t want to do things your way anymore. If you filibuster this, or you vote against it, you can go back to your constituents and tell them to your faces why you tried to kill a bill that would have fixed their schools, would have helped drug addicts go to rehab, would have prevented unwanted pregnancies, would have brought improved infrastructure, better environmental protections, and new jobs to their areas. You can tell them how you fought against a change that would have benefited all Americans, conservatives, liberals, and moderates alike, and you’ll have to do it alone. . .Rush Limbaugh ain’t coming to help you. Try giving a poor, starving family with no home and too many mouths to feed a Bible and Rush Limbaugh’s latest book, then ask ’em what they think of you. I suggest running before they answer.
Now, you might be saying under your quivering lips – or maybe that’s just old age – “who is this guy? Who is this Washington outsider to come here and talk to us like this? Who does he think he is? What has he done? What’s his name?”
That’s my name.
You know why?
Because I ran a campaign on a message of hope, a promise of change, and with a running mate who sticks his foot in his mouth so often he’s come to love the taste of his own toejam. You ran a Spanish-American War veteran, partnered with a ditz whose IQ is lower than her bra size. . .and I WON.
THAT’S my name.
Please, Obama, let me be your speechwriter? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?