Travel Advisory: Tennessee

WARNING!!!!!

The Federal Travel Advisory Board has issued the following Travel Warning for all prospective business and recreational travelers:

DO NOT GO DRINKING IN TENNESSEE!

It might seem like a good idea to go out for a drink after going to a performance at the Grand Ole Opry (or, more understandably, instead of going to a performance at the Grand Ole Opry) or perhaps the poverty-ridden desperation of Memphis might drive one into a bar, but the Federal Travel Advisory Board must give its strongest recommendation against doing such, worded thusly:  For fuck’s sake, don’t do it!

Yesterday, a new law was enacted in Tennessee that allows patrons of bars and other places that serve alcohol to carry concealed firearms into such establishments.  As Nashville bar owner Steve Smith stated in an interview with The Colbert Report (linked above), “. . .Alcohol and firearms and rednecks really don’t mix that well, inside of bars.”  While Smith’s comment demonstrates an uncommon mastery of understatement and an extreme willingness to state the blindingly should-be obvious, it is the opinion of the Federal Travel Advisory Board that rednecks, alcohol, and firearms do mix quite well on YouTube.

The new law does state that anyone who does carry a concealed weapon into a bar must not be served alcohol.  However, unless bartenders and waitstaff are prepared to start frisking people at random (they’re not), the word of the patron is all they have to go on when determining whether or not said patron is carrying a firearm and should or should not be served alcohol.  In saying that he trusts in the people to be honest and forthcoming about such things, Tennesse state Senator Doug Jackson is either more naive than a newborn or simply trying to drum up business for the funeral home industry.  Good luck in your new venture, Mr. Steve Smith!  Doug Jackson’s gonna help!

It is the firm belief of that Federal Travel Advisory Board that going out drinking in Tennesse is a dangerous activity for Americans, and should be avoided at all costs, most easily by simply not going to Tennessee at all.

If you choose to attend the state anyway, and simply not go to bars, remember this:  people that go to bars to drink with concealed weapons also have to get home from said bar, and it is unlikely that you will be able to completely avoid the path of these people since, in Tennessee, drinking is a full-time occupation.

If you choose to disregard this warning, which will make the Federal Travel Advisory Board very sad, ask yourself this:  do you really want to trust your life to the combination of alcohol, firearms, and these people?

Federal Travel Advisory Board

END WARNING

VS – 7.16.09

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