Guest Columnist: God

Editor’s Note:  VagabondSaint is out being a mean drunk this week, just for something different.  Filling in today is syndicated columnist and All-Powerful All-Knowing Deity God, with a special edition of His Holy nationally-syndicated column Ask God.


Dear God,

I recently came out of the closet to my staunchly-conservative family.  My father took this news particularly hard, condemned me for making “the choice to burn in Hell” and called me an abomination in Your eyes.  I told him that I am exactly as You made me, and You made me gay.  Which of us is right?

Out In Ohio

Dear Out,

Your father wants to see an abomination in My eyes, he should check out my health insurance.  I can’t get my only begotten son covered because “crucifixion is a prior condition”?  Total BS, man.  There’s a bunch of people that are going to Hell for sure.  Where, as it turns out, they won’t see you.

See, what kills me is how many people talk about me being “ineffable” and “unknowable” and “inscrutable” and having “mysterious ways” and such, but yet they’re sure pretty damn fast to tell people what I did and didn’t make.  I wanted you to be gay, so I made you gay.  Trust me, straightness just wouldn’t have worked out for you.  And your father’s just feeling guilty because he blew a couple dudes at a church retreat at Myrtle Beach in 1984, when his pregnant-with-you wife wasn’t putting out and he didn’t think I was looking. He’ll calm down eventually.

Dear God,

I don’t believe in you.  I don’t think you exist at all, I think the Bible is  a nonsensical work of fiction, and I think anyone that believes is in you is a fool, an idiot, and a moron.  What do you think of that?

Happy Angry Hungry Atheist

I don’t exist?  According to my records, neither will you after 12:34 PM on Saturday, December 20.  Come talk to me after you finish picking that metro bus out of your face.

Dear God,

I just wanna say “thank you” for all the blessings you’ve given me!  Have You blessed me a lot?  You betcha!  I’ve got a new book that’s sold millions of copies to barely-literate people, I quit my job and no one important cared, I’ve got all these new friends and millions of fans, and I’m going to be President in 2012!  I just have one request:  can you make something nasty happen to Katie Couric?  She’s like a little dingleberry in my moose fur!  She just won’t go away and leave me alone!

Definitely Not Sarah Palin

Yeah, that’s great and all, ummm, Definitely, but, you know, and I mean absolutely no offense here, you were supposed to have died in a single-engine plane crash about 12 years ago.  Let me check my records here. . .wait, what?  John Denver?  ARE YOU F***ING S***ING ME?  I KILLED JOHN DENVER BY MISTAKE? I F***ING LOVE “ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH”! S***! S***! S***!

God’s syndicated column, Ask God, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.


2 Responses to “Guest Columnist: God”

  1. Dear God,

    Why is there so much starvation and suffering in the world while my church offers us free Starbucks?

    On a Caffeine High in Little Rock

    P.S. Thank you for Starbucks. Please don’t take it away because I questioned you.

  2. vagabondsaint Says:

    Dear Caffie High,

    Maybe you should ask your church why they’re spending money on Starbucks while there is so much suffering and starvation in the world. Jesus didn’t tell the disciples “Hey, thanks for spreading My gospel, have some free lattes,” now, did He? No.

    By the way, I didn’t create Starbucks. That was the other guy, and it’s his best plot ever, so enjoy those sweet sweet Damnation Cappucinos and Going-To-Hell Grandes. I mean, really? That much pretension in one place and you thought I did it?

    That doesn’t really answer your question, though, and to be honest, I can’t really answer it. Yes, I allow starvation and suffering in the world, and occasionally inflict it, for my own inscrutable purposes. If it helps, though, such things are historically cyclical, which means that eventually the nations that are giving free Starbucks at their so-called “churches” will be the same ones that are starving and suffering with their hands out for help, and the nations that need help will be drinking free Starbuck’s What goes around comes around on Earth as well as in Heaven.

    Jesus would like me to remind you, and your church, that what they do to the least of His brethen, they also do to him. . .so remind them that they’re swilling infernal testicular perspiration while Jesus suffers within five blocks. He’s not happy about that.


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