Cover Letters #1

On occasion, a comic book sometimes has a, shall we say, less than impressive cover.  Sometimes the fault is bad art, bad composition, too many words, not enough words, etc.  Sometimes it’s just one little  thing, sometimes it’s just everything all at once.

Either way, this is where those covers go to get mocked critiqued mocked and critiqued.  Let’s go!


The Adventures of Racist Captain America:

Racist Cap
“THERE’S A NEGRA ON MY LAWN! THERE’S A NEGRA ON MY LAWN! GET OFF MY LAWN, NEGRA! THIS HERE’S ‘MERICAN LAWN FOR ‘MERICANS!”

Racist Cap 2
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! DON’T KILL ME, NEGRA, DON’T KILL ME!!!!!! I’LL VOTE FOR ‘BAMA NEXT TIME I SWEARS!!!!

Lumps In Her Junk:

“With great power comes great responsibility. With mutant power comes, um. . .mutant body deformation?”

Kaare Andrews is, by all accounts, an awesome artist.  His covers for Incredible Hulk during Jenkin’s run are part of the reason I bought it.  Knowing Kaare is awesome makes this terrible cover all the more puzzling.  The Beast’s forearms and calves are as big around as Cyclops’ chest, Storm’s hips look like God designed her curves with a T-square and she couldn’t decide what colour shirt to wear for the photo shoot, Cyclops looks even dorkier than normal, and Emma Frost. . .somehow, Kaare Andrews managed to do what numerous villains, writers, and artists couldn’t: he made the White Queen unattractive.  Did her power change from telepathy to mutant cellulite?  Seriously, look at her!  She has lumps in her junk!

WTF?
“Lumps in her junk (OH!), lumps in her junk (OH!) What the hell? She got lumps in her junk! (OH!)” – unreleased MC Hammer remix

Not that there is anything wrong with cellulite of hard-to-wrangle fat deposits; there isn’t.  But wearing spandex over said deposits is a crime against humanity’s eyeballs.  Drawing spandex over them is even worse.  The only way the main women of this cover could have been made less attractive was if Andrews had given Storm a mohaw- aw shit, he did that too.

Come on, Kaare.  You can do better.

I’m Guessing That Bucky and Namor Maybe Use Right Guard?

Does anyone else actually remember old commercial jingles, or am I just sad?
“Confident! Confident! Dry and secure! Raise your hands, raise your hands. . .”

If anyone else gets that joke, my existence will be validated.

Good with guns, but snappy comebacks?  Not so much. . .

“. . .and you’re drunk, ma’am. But tomorrow morning you’ll be sober, and I’ll be. . .wait. . .”

VS – 5.13.10

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