Archive for hewlett packard

A Few Select Words For Hewlett-Packard

Posted in rant with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 6, 2010 by vagabondsaint

Dear Hewlett-Packard,

Fuck you.

Why?

Because I already have software that can run a scanner quite well, and don’t need your shite “HP Scanning” software program that you so thoughtfully made part of the installation process.  It’s called Photoshop, and it’s roughly 17.4 million times better than any scanning or image editing software you will ever put out.  In fact, it worked fine when it came to controlling your printer, until your install process (and didn’t I already go through an install process when I connected it as a wireless printer?) denied it access.  Instead, it starts up the HP Scanning program, which committed the following dick moves:

  • did not allow me to rename the file
  • sucked at rotating and manipulating the image before scanning
  • did not allow me to choose where the file would be saved, instead choosing to inform me that the file would be saved in a folder it created called “My Scans”, in a subfolder labeled with today’s date
  • repeatedly denied Photoshop access to the scanner
  • peed in my cornflakes (metaphorically)
  • saved the file in .pdf format.  PDF?  Seriously?  WTF?  It didn’t even give me the option of saving as a .jpg, WHICH WAS WHAT I’D WANTED TO DO.
  • sucked
  • saved the file in an unreasonably huge format
  • hogged resources in ways I thought only Microsoft products could legally do
  • really fucking sucked

Photoshop, by way of comparison, would have allowed me to name the file, save it in a directory of MY choosing, and saved it as whatever format I wanted.  Instead of making the process easier, your megalomaniacal control over the output made the process far less convenient for me, as I had to re-open Photoshop (the resource-hogging made it necessary to close Photoshop to have the computer run at anything above the speed of death by natural causes), find the stupid directory your program created without asking me if I wanted, open it, and re-save it in the format I wanted, in the directory I wanted, like I should have been able to do all along if your fucking selfishness hadn’t demanded that I NOT be able to use the very-capable software that I already had.

If I’d actually paid for this printer/scanner/fax machine/dictatorial piece of shite, I’d be even more pissed.  But I didn’t, thank Jebus.  My roommate bought it, because she’d lost the install software for her Dell printer and needed a printer for her new laptop.  If she’d asked me beforehand, I would have helped her find the drivers and such that she needed online, or helped her get a replacement copy, or even built a new printer out of silverware and stale corn chips; ANYTHING to avoid buying a fucking HP printer.

To be fair, this is my second experience with your shitty products.  I bought one of your printer/scanner/fax machine/factory of suck combos two years ago, when my old printer finally died and I needed a new one.  I kept it for two days, the majority of which I spent on the phone with your tech support, trying to get the bloody thing to work, before I returned it to Best Buy.  A more accurate description would be “hurled it through the plate glass window of Best Buy,” an action which they completely understood and did not press charges over.  I bought, instead, a Canon printer/scanner/ fax / pleasant experience combo, and would be using it today had it not been for a hard drive crash last year and the loss of my own installation software during a move.  Rest assured that instead of taking the should-be-convenient option of using your printer again, I will spend the time searching for drivers for the Canon unit, which still functions well and is not, by any means, nearly as dickish.

Fuck you, HP.  Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you! Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uck-uck-uck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.  Fuck you.  I just can’t say it enough. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.  I literally cannot say “fuck you” hard enough.  I need help.

Hey, Crazy-ass Batman, what do you have to say to HP?

Batman Tells HP What's Up

A man of few words. . .two, to be exact.

Thanks, Crazy-ass Batman.  Couldn’t have put it better myself.

VS – 7.6.10