Archive for the onion

The Bush Years: A Horror-Stricken Look Back

Posted in politics with tags , , , , on January 18, 2009 by vagabondsaint

It’s almost over.

Looking back at the past 8 years of the Bush presidency, one question irrepressibly comes to mind:  what the hell was wrong with us?  We must have all taken severe head injuries at some point; that’s the only explanation I can think of as to why we let Bush and his cronies get away with so much crap over the past 8 years.  It was like an experiment to see how much one man, with a little help from his friends, can fuck up the greatest country in the world.

And he got re-elected!  That was really mind-blowing; I have never been so disappointed in America as I was that day.

It’s been said that no one could have seen the disastrous Bush presidency coming.  For the most part, that’s true. . .except that somebody did see it coming, and said so in the least likely place to find real news: no, not Fox News, but The Onion, parody newspaper supreme.

When Bush was first elected given the office by his dad’s Supreme Court cronies admitted into the Oval Office, the Onion ran an article entitled  Bush:  ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’.   He might not have actually said it, but damned if he didn’t mean it, and damned if he didn’t live up to it.  Seriously, read that article.  It’s the most eerily-prophetic thing I’ve ever seen.

Granted, some good things did come out of the Bush years:  The Daily Show probably wouldn’t be so popular without him, and. . .hm.  Hang on, I’ll try to think of another one.

Oh, by the way, even if we ignored Iraq, Afghanistan, and the economic collapse,  there would still be Bush’s environmental record to mark him as one of the worst presidents ever.   As Will Cuppy said in The Decline And Fall Of Practically Everybody, Alexander The Great is called “The Great” because he killed more people of more different types than anybody else before or since; I guess Bush was trying for being called at least “The Awesome,” for recklessly endangering more people of more different types than anybody else before or since.  We’re not safer at home (thanks to deregulation of the financial industry and environmental pollution) or abroad (damn near everybody hates us now), despite all the statements to the contrary by the Administration.  We are not only worse off now than we were eight years ago, we’re completely fucked now from where we were eight years ago.  Thanks, idiots in charge and the idiots who kept voting for them.

But it’s almost over now.  2 more days, in which time I would not be surprised if Bush found a way to make the moon crash into Earth, and this will all be over; we can finally crawl out of the rubble of America and start rebuilding.

And how did this eight-year Reign of Error come to an end?  Please, Onion, tell us:

Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job

Congrats and good luck, Obama.

VS – 1.18.09

P.S. I’m still trying to think of some other good that came out of the Bush Administration. . .any ideas?

Randoma

Posted in randoma with tags , , , , on July 1, 2008 by vagabondsaint

I’m still on my break from politics (as, apparently, the candidates themselves are; the news cycles of full of minor crap expanded to fill available time) so, I thought today I’d just blog about some different, feel good kinda stuff.

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First, I want to say “Happy Canada Day!” to all of my Canadian readers.  Okay, my one Canadian reader.

For my American readers, Canada Day is like our Fourth Of July, except with less gunfire.  It celebrates the day that the British liberated Canada from the clutches of a ruling monarchy set up by world-infamous Viking and conqueror, Erik the Red (and his descendants, Peter the Pink, Larry the Mauve, and so on, all the way down to Maurice the Off-White-sort-of-Creamy-Beige), and then granted Canada their independence from the British several hundred years later, after the pivotal Battle Of Damn-It’s-Cold-Out-Here, which took place somewhere in Canada and was named by British troops.  The British did fail to completely run out the French, though, who have maintained a stronghold in northern Saskatchewan for several millenia and are too deeply dug in to ever be removed.  Canada, our neighbours to the north, have given us many wonderful things, such as Rick Moranis, Mike Myers, Elisha Cuthbert, and Celine Dion, only three of which we have since tried to return (I’m keeping Elisha Cuthbert).  Canada also has considerably less gun violence than America, a socialized medical system, is one of the world’s leading exporters of oil, and never, ever, ever has people in Middle Eastern countries burning their leaders in effigy while screaming “Death to Canada!”  A lot of people like to make fun of Canada, but they must be doing something right up there.  In closing, I would like to say that I know absolutely nothing about Canada, I totally made up that history, and I’ve just realized that being invaded and conquered by Canada might not be such a bad thing.  At least we’d have socialized medicine.

Anyway, Happy Canada Day!

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My friend Jay emailed me a video today.  It’s called “Where the Hell is Matt?” and features a guy doing a frankly silly dance in many parts of the world, alone at first, then joined by natives of the various countries he’s in.

I like the video because it’s, well, it’s just one guy, getting people all over the world to dance with him.  Dancing is something that every culture in the world has in common (except those that don’t for religious reasons, which is just stupid to me; God didn’t give us bodies so that we could sit around and not enjoy them), and to me, it’s great and heartwarming to see a celebration of the commonalities of all people all around the world. . .especially nowadays when it seems the world at large would rather focus on, and fight over, the differences between cultures.

Bravo to Matt and his crew for doing this video, and bravo to Stride Gum for supporting the project.

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This isn’t so much a “feel good” story as it is a “feel glad you’re not this person story,” but I still found it very interesting and thought I’d share.  This story comes to us from the Last Days column of last week’s The Stranger, a local weekly paper here in Seattle (their review of The Love Guru is hilarious, by the way).

This is the story, in my words:  Two weeks ago, a woman was found dead in her apartment in Germany, presumably of natural causes.  Here’s the twist: none of her neighbours remembered seeing the woman after 1966, meaning she’d probably been dead for 42 years before anyone thought to break into the apartment and look for her.  One neighbour stated that they’d assumed she’d moved out to live with family elsewhere.  As the woman was only 42 years old at the time of her presumptive demise, I guess they didn’t think that maybe she’d died.  Her last cup of tea was still sitting on the table in front of her, though God only knows what could have grown and died in that cup by then.

I have questions here.  If she had family, what did they think had happened to her?  How was her rent being paid?  Was absolutely no one else interested in renting the apartment in 42 fucking years?

Think about that the next time you feel lonely or that no one cares about you; it kind of puts loneliness into perspective for me.

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Just to end this on a completely silly note, you can click here to read about the breakdown of chiplomatic relations between Fritolaysia and Snakistan.  I swear that reads like an old Mad Magazine article.

Feeling better yet?

VS – 7.1.08