The 2007 MCVBSHOTY Award

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for. . .

The 2007 Marvel Comics Victimized Black SuperHero Of The Year Award!!!!

But before we name this year’s (2007) winner, let’s take a look back at last year’s winner: Black Goliath.

Oh, Black Goliath, you so totally died in vain.

Bill Foster, a.k.a. Black Goliath: became a victim of The Man in Civil War #4.

In brief: During Marvel’s Civil War event, superheroes split into two camps: hero-in-a-can Iron Man’s supporters of the Super Hero Registration Act (which required all superheroes to reveal their true identities to the US Federal Government, an organization known for its tight focus, lack of security leaks, and unwillingness to use personal information against people; those who didn’t register would be considered vigilantes and have warrants issued for their arrest) (you know, that’s happened to Batman like 6 times in the past decade. He just beats people up until they leave him alone again. Bunch of nancies in that Marvel Universe, I swear), and patriotic octogenarian Captain America’s group of rebels. Black Goliath sided with Captain America. In a desperate bid to bring the rebels back in line, Iron Man and Reed Richards (scientist supreme and stretchy leader of the Fantastic Four) built a clone of then-missing Norse thunder god Thor and sent it out to fight the rebels. This was a very bad move. . .for Black Goliath. BG grew big and tall and strong, and the clone shot him with a bolt of lightning. The clone killed BG, and afterwards? The clone got destroyed by Greek demigod Hercules; Reed Richards and Iron Man were convicted of manslaughter in the first degree and sent to prison for 10-15 years.

Oh, wait, that’s what should have happened.

The clone was in fact destroyed by Hercules, but for making the weapon that killed America’s tallest black superhero, Iron Man and Reed Richards got nothing. Slap on the wrist? Not a stern letter from the NAACP, not even a harsh look from Jesse Jackson. But the sacrifice of Black Goliath inspired Captain America to fight on until the rebels won and the SHRA was revoked.

Oh, wait. . .

3 issues after the death of Black Goliath, Captain America surrendered himself into federal custody after seeing numerous buildings get destroyed in a battle with Iron Man’s troops. Let me sum this up for you. Buildings get destroyed, Captain America quits. Building-sized black man gets killed, Captain America hardly notices. He didn’t even make an inspiring speech, and this is a man who made inspiring and patriotic speeches when people got busted for jaywalking. Or when he found a pair of shoes that fit. Or when he got his food from the McDonald’s drive-through and they got his order exactly right (which, honestly, is a pretty momentous occasion). (Hey, remember that federal government that wanted all the heroes to surrender their secret identities to them? That just happens to be the same federal government that let Captain America get shot and killed while in their custody. Bet that inspired people to trust them, eh?)

To be fair, when the real Thor came back, he beat the snot out of Iron Man in roughly three pages, but that was more for daring to make a clone of Thor than the fact that it killed Black Goliath.

Black Goliath: hero, afro-wearer, needless shock-value repercussion-free death.

So, that’s Black Goliath, winner of the 2006 MCVBSHOTY award.

And now, the 2007 Marvel Comics Victimized Black Superhero Of The Year:

GAUNTLET!!!!!!!!

Gauntlet

Gauntlet, in less comatose times; kept down for good in Avengers: The Initiative #7.

Gauntlet and his mighty alien-tech arm, from which he took his powers and name, went from serving in the US military to becoming the drill instructor to a new class of heroes in the post-Civil War Initiative Program, which was designed to put a team of well-trained registered superheroes in each of the 50 states. Gauntlet was in charge of the California team (California doesn’t have enough heroes already?) and was merciless in training them.

And then, in Full Metal Jacket style, one of his trainees decided to take him out.

Which one of the young powerhouses under his command marshalled up their awesome power and unleashed that power in epic battle against Gauntlet, ultimately triumphing over his strong will and military training?

Slapstick.

Slapstick.

This guy. Seriously.

Fucking Slapstick, for God’s sake.

A military sergeant with super-powers gets taken down in a sneak attack by a guy with a stretchy cartoon body, a giant mallet, and no genitalia? What the fuck?

Gauntlet doesn’t die from the attack (I would have, out of pure embarrassment if nothing else) but instead goes into a coma, from which he is revived only long enough to completely fail to identify his attacker, and then he’s put back into his coma so the government can steal his gauntlet and give it to somebody else. Is there just no end to the indignities here? Why not go ahead and take pictures of him naked and comatose with various vegetables in various orifices? It wouldn’t be any more humiliating than what he’s already been through. What could make his beating and subsequent coma worse?

I’m glad you asked! Due to the government’s need to keep the Initiative program looking squeaky clean, the attack is hushed up and the true perpetrator is never found, i.e., Slapstick gets away with it. He tries to confess to his friends, but is always comically interrupted. Let me repeat that: Slapstick gets away with it.

The message here is clear. In the Marvel Comics Universe, beating and/or killing black superheroes can be done with impunity. Nothing will happen to you, and, if done in the proper circumstances, the government will help you cover it up. Seriously, Marvel, somebody needs to have a talk with Grand Dragon Quesada over there. No justice for Black Goliath, no justice for Gauntlet. . .what the hell is wrong with you people? This wouldn’t happen with any of DC’s prominent black heroes, like Black Lightning and. . .ummm. . .Vixen! Vixen and. . .ummm. . .ummmm. . .hmmmm. . .hang on, I know there’s another one. . .

Well anyway, that’s it for this year’s Marvel Comics Victimized Black Superhero Of The Year! Join us next year! Who will it be? Storm? Black Panther? Triathlon? Falcon? Triathlon? Triathlon? Please, Triathlon*?

Thanks for being here!

Now get out.

Really.

Get out.

 

 

* = Please, Triathlon? The lamest character of any colour in a long, long, long time? Please?

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4 Responses to “The 2007 MCVBSHOTY Award”

  1. […] On top of all that, Iron Man and Reed Richards still have not been arrested and tried for the negligent homicide of Black Goliath.  This still pisses me off. […]

  2. brocoli-bleach Says:

    Oh my sweet AprOcoats
    Hope floats.
    Miles
    of
    Smiles

  3. brocoli-bleach Says:

    the thing about brocoli is that it grows similar to a tree,
    and trees as we all know house owls.
    And if two owls plan things right, knowing that gardens
    oh they do like to fight, showing though partly they enjoy partens
    more & hosts
    very very much so hosting
    something worth bosting

    random ranting night writting
    not showing
    GLOWING

  4. brocoli-bleach Says:

    random ranting night writting
    not showing
    GLOWING

    Just taking flight, righting

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