An Open Letter From God To Humanity

Dear Pains In My Holy Ass,

What? You were expecting “Dear Precious Flock” or “Dear Beloved Children,” or something similar? Bugger that! You tail-less howler monkeys don’t deserve titles that good anymore.

I gave you people dominion over the earth and beasts in order to be caretakers, not to start acting the prick about it. Plus, I wanted to take a vacation. All that creating makes a God mighty tired. And now you’re busy destroying my planet, the one I made and entrusted to you, and arguing about whether or not you’re doing it when it’s plainly obvious that you are. Are you stupid? I sure as fuck didn’t make you to be stupid, so how did you end up stupid? You must have chosen to be stupid, and that really makes Me regret the whole “free will” thing.

I’m sorry if I seem a bit tense. It’s just, that, well, I seem to remember asking that you don’t kill each other, and look at you! You can’t kill each other fast enough! I said it in the Bible, I said it in the Koran, I said it in the Torah, I did everything but tattoo it on the insides of your eyelids: Thou shalt not kill. And you’re still killing each other! And have the Me-damn audacity to say you’re doing it in My name! My name! When I specifically and repeatedly said, “Hey, that whole ‘killing each other’ thing? Don’t fucking do it!” Man, it just pisses Me off. Let me say it again: Quit killing each other. More specifically, quit blaming Me for it when you do. I said not to, so if you go kill somebody that’s done nothing to you and isn’t actively threatening your existence, don’t even think about saying I told you to do it. It takes about ten seconds to do some research and find out that I actually told you the complete opposite. Let me say it one more time for clarification: Stop killing each other. Don’t make me get involved in the killing stuff. I can wipe out millions of you just by sticking My hand in the ocean, so if you want to see that happen, keep fucking up.

Speaking of unnecessary usage of my name, let me tell you this: I don’t care about sports. Not at all. Not in the slightest. So all those prayers doing sporting events not only waste My time, they also tie up the lines so that I can’t hear the prayers of people that are starving, sick, and/or dying. Thanks for being so bloody selfish that you think a victory for some purely-manmade sports team is even remotely as important to Me as tending to the people that have real faith in me and do not collectively comprise a shower of arseholes.

By the way, I also don’t care if two guys or two women want to get married. I know there’s stuff in the Bible against it, but, you know, those guys that wrote the Bible inserted their own prejudices and fears into My message, which really pissed Me off. Not a one of them made it to Heaven; instead, they get to burn eternally (or until I run out of propane and propane accessories) for the crime of diluting, changing, and in some cases outright lying about the messages I sent to humanity. Let me make this clearer: I don’t care if homosexuals marry. You shouldn’t either. It doesn’t affect your marriage, relationship, or children at all if two guys have rings on their fingers that symbolize their bond to each other. Once again, you willful morons are using My name to give your own ridiculous fears and phobias and hatreds some semblance of credibility, instead of showing your own insecurities for what they really are. I preached and dictated tolerance for others, even if they didn’t believe in me. I said it, Jesus said it (He’s doing fine, by the way, but He’s just as pissed as I am and doesn’t want to come back to see you people), Gandhi said it, Martin Luther King Jr. said it, Buddha said it, Confucious said it. . .what the fuck else do you need to understand this? It’s a simple concept! Be tolerant of others and treat them as you would be treated! It’s as simple as Thou shalt not kill. . .oh wait, you fucked that one up too.

A surprising number of you have asked me about Jerry Falwell and other big-name televangelists that have passed away. Let Me assure you that they are doing fine. By “doing fine,” I mean “burning in lakes of fire while being tortured, degraded, beaten, and violated by demons with bad tempers and sharp pitchforks.” There are many paths to Me, and none of them are wrong. . .unless, of course, you take the one that involves using My name to spread your own message of intolerance, hatred, and bigotry.

And people, don’t be afraid to think for yourselves. I gave you brains for a reason. Had I know you were going to use so little of them, I could have put in a chocolate storage space or a laser-light show or something cool.

I’m done. I’m tired of you people.

Your Almighty,

God/Goddess/The Universe/Nirvana/The Flying Spaghetti Monster

P.S. For all of you who keep wondering why I never seem to answer your prayers, I ask you to remember that “no” is, in fact, an answer.